Well, not really. It’s just that Valentine’s Day just went by, and, I have nobody in my life that I could justifiably call “that special someone.”

I find myself reading and re-reading the Twilight books and watching and re-watching the movies, too. All the while I sit and wonder why it is I don’t have someone in my life who could love me even a 10th of how much two fictional characters like Edward and Bella love each other.

Clearly I need to get out and meet people. I mean, I won’t really meet anyone sitting here every minute of the day. That might be a start, getting out of the house. I should also maybe think about not being such a bitch all the time.  

Of course, if nobody cares to put forth the effort to break through my hard candy shell to get to my soft nougatty center, would they really be worth it? I think not.

I guess what I really want, just once in my life, is to experience how it feels to have another person in this world put my feelings ahead of their own. Maybe get a taste of someone caring about me for a change. I hope I’m not too late. 

I’m far from a young girl, and I know Twilight is just a story, not even a cute story. It’s just the IDEA of someone, anyone, who is willing to put my feelings or my well-being ahead of their own is a very powerful thing. I am struck not by the sparkle, not by the vampires, but by both main character’s willingness, no, determination, to put each other ahead of him or herself.

That’s what I want, not some gaggingly sweet, gooey, romanticized crap. I have spent most of my adult life with men who not only didn’t put any need of mine ahead of their own, but, would go out of their way to make sure that all their needs got fulfilled first, mostly by stealing from me to do it.

Now, I understand that I let it happen to myself by keeping on going back and hoping for the best and “surely this time he won’t fuck me over” a million times in a row. That still doesn’t negate my desire to, just once, have another human being say to me, “You matter to me. What you want matters to me, and until you get what you want, it doesn’t matter what I want.” If that’s selfish, I guess it’s selfish, but, I’ve never had another person think I merited that kind of treatment, ever.

I just want to experience that, once. Is that too much to ask out of life? I hope not.